It’s odd to say that a holiday can bring you back to life, but this one did. After everything that had happened this year, and the severity at how quickly my life changed a holiday really was something that I needed. The sad part is that I’d booked my flight to Munich months before our separation, I was always planning on going to visit my friends alone, but not single and the difference was huge. And yet the timing of going away worked out perfectly, as everything that had to be done was done, and this was now my Fresh Start.
The day I flew out I was completely terrified. I had never traveled by myself before and it was just so daunting. And yet after 27hours of time to think on two long haul flights, two of the most important people in my life and their beautiful baby boy were waiting for me at the airport and every ounce of fear just dissolved. I’d done my first long haul flight completely alone, survived, and the ‘thrill’ of it was so empowering. My time in Munich was absolute bliss and really was a recovery holiday. Our days were filled with beautiful two month old baby boy smiles, walking through parks and watching the leaves change from bright green to every shade of Autumn, finding new cafes to find the perfect croissant/pretzel/what ever other delicious dessert we wanted to try. My whole time there was just amazing and being able to explore and create my own memories in Munich with my friends was just so special. And of course talking, talking through everything that had happened. I can honestly say that I wouldn’t have ever been able to get through this year without my friends and family. They are my armoured guards and continue to stand by me when I fall apart, make me work through every feeling of self doubt and then meet me on the other side with a smile, hug and unwavering love and support. That is friendship and family. One of the best pieces of advice my friend gave me was not to hide or run away from what scares me - she forced me to face my darkest of demons and gently encouraged me to push my boundaries, learn, grow and create a life that is just for me. My trip Paris wouldn’t have happened without them.
And yet, creating a life just for you is scary. When you are forced to look at everything you have known for over a decade and completely reassess and rebuild your life again, it’s just overwhelming and so daunting. You don’t know where to start, you second (triple) guess every decision you make and you mourn not having someone to share your life and journey with. But yet, coming to terms with this, accepting in a way what has happened and getting so angry at the person who you trusted and loved and yet hurt you so badly helps. It helps to get so angry that you think you’re going to explode, and it worked wonders to shift my mindset into something ‘new’. My ‘new’ mindset is rather simple, I don’t want to ever allow him to have any more power over me. He walked out, lied, cheated, destroyed my confidence and self worth and hurt so many of my friends and family that he’s not worth my time or energy any more. Coming to terms with this is scary and really hard. But after three weeks away, meeting new people, seeing Munich again in my own way, working through every emotion and facing my fear of being alone. I have never felt more alive, and for the first time in a very long time I’m really looking forward to what I can achieve and create for me. And this truly is my Fresh Start. x