For the past week or so I just haven’t been feeling on top of things. Emotionally and mentally everything has just been a little scattered and all over the place and I haven’t really known what to share or say on here. The lead up Christmas is proving to be so much harder than I thought it would be, and I have been slowly feeling myself becoming really overwhelmed and at breaking point again. That said though, a few things happened yesterday that gave me the biggest lift and ah ha moment. Yesterday was something short of magical where now I can see how things can happen for a reason. Or at the very least, things are going to be ok.
One of the things that I’ve done over the past few months has been to completely, throw myself into work. It’s been a distraction, fear of now having to fend for myself and honestly just a way to cope. I was in City Works Depot yesterday and thought I would quickly pop into see my lovely friend Ashleigh Scott - I’m in the area so often, but am rushing so much that I never just pop in and say hi. Yesterday I did, and we had a quick chat about being overwhelmed, how hard this year has been and she gently guided me out of a very sad moment. Less than an hour later she calls and asks would I like to go and see Oprah that evening - I of course said yes, we bought what felt like the last two tickets available and in a matter of hours later we were sitting in a full stadium watching one of the most powerful, influential and generous women. It was such a spur of the moment thing, and I’m so so glad that it happened.
She spoke kindly and thoughtfully about her life, how she has over come some of the darkest things that can happen to a person, her work ethic, but mostly the threads in her life and how she listens to her inner voice/gut feeling. I can honestly say I have never been so inspired, moved or made to think as much about my life and who I am as person than I had last night. For those who where their last night will know what I mean when I say that, you can’t really explain what happened, you just watched this powerful and incredibly inspiring woman gently make yourself look deeply into who you as a person, look for the threads of your life and how they have created who you are. And then shake you back to life. There are no words really, I guess it’s just the Oprah effect and every single women and man last night was in complete and utter awe. When Ashleigh and I walked out we felt like we had just had the biggest wake up call of our lives and in that moment, I had a little ah ha moment that things happen for a reason. And maybe everything that happened this year, actually is a ‘good’ thing.
One of the many things that I took away from last night, was that she carries certain quotes or poems with her as a mantra to her life in a way. I’ve been a fan of quotes for so many years, and of course the more than you read, the more you see. I can’t remember where I stumbled upon the quote below (I don’t think it’s an Oprah quote) but I remember seeing it about a week or so after Ben left me, quickly asked my amazing friend Belinda Xia to illustrate it for me, and it has stuck with me since. It’s so simple, but it really struck a note with me - it’s not about forcing happiness, it’s about not letting sadness win. I think the reason why this quote has meant so much to me, is that when everything happened the amount of shame, guilt and embarrassment that I felt was just huge. And with that brings the embarrassment that you feel when you’re happy - it’s the oddest thing, you feel guilty for being happy as you think you’re not worthy to be, or that you haven’t given it enough time and you’re not allowed to forget in a way and move on. The quote below, simply summed up everything that I was feeling, and in a way how I have been moving through things. I don’t at all force myself to be happy, I don’t ‘fake’ it, and still sometimes feel deep guilt when I am happy - but it’s been a constant reminder that I don’t have to force myself to be happy, I just don’t have to let the sadness in all the time and the happiness will naturally come. The happiness and excitement of life is coming back and is slowly outweighing the grief, loss and sadness of this year, and to be honest, it’s just such a relief.
One of the hardest parts about any traumatic event that happens in your life is the that at some point you’re going to have to let it go and surrender to the pain of it - it’s completely in the past, you can’t change it, and its time to move on. I think my time has come, I have allowed myself a lot of time to grieve, be sad but to be honest I’m ‘bored’ of being sad and allowing someone who doesn’t care for me have any impact on my life any more. I don’t miss him any more, I miss the life that was there. That’s not at all to say that their won’t still be sad moments, or that I won’t be affected any more but this, or even that things are going to be easy, but I’m now really ready to step up and stop letting this define who I am. Being told last night by Oprah (of all people!) that it’s going to be ok, that devastating events can turn your life around for the better, that they give you second chance on life and that it’s your choice how you live it was probably the most perfect way to end the hardest year of my life. So instead of looking back all the time - I want to look forward, embrace my fresh start, remind my self that it’s going to be ok and create a positive and fulfilled life. x