Since April my brain hasn’t stopped. I have been thinking over every single moment I can recall from the past 11 years, trying to remember the good, trying to forget the bad and desperately trying to work out how I’m going to get through everything and general just survive. I don’t have a single answer or silver bullet for getting through a divorce, especially one that you didn’t see coming. All you can do is just keep going, surround your self with strong, kind and supportive friends and family and battle through the storm together. One of my ways to ‘cope’ was to work. I completely, and probably a little too much, thew myself into work. I thought the busier that I am, the easier it will be. And in a way it was, but I’m now also very scared of completely burning out from working over 12 hours every day.
I caught up with one of my very close friends Mel from Bloom Social today. We have worked on so many beautiful projects together over the years, supported each other in our goals for self employment and in turn have become very good friends and I completely trust her judgment and advice. So today we talked and talked over every part of our lives, what we love about them, what we struggle with and of course what makes us happy. We also asked each other some pretty tough questions - like what do you really want to be doing, what’s important to you, and what do you define as success. One thing we both completely agreed on and it shocked us both that we hadn’t realised it sooner. Was that we didn’t want to be known for always being busy and being ‘proud’ of working so much that you didn’t have time to do the things that mean the most to you. Like spend time with your friends and family, work on your business in a productive way and remember why you started. Which was simply to be self employed and to be able to create a life that you could manage in a sane way.
For those who know me personally, know that I really really love to work. I get ‘bored’ very easily, I love having a lot on and am just so proud of what I have been able to create and will forever grateful for the people I have met and been able to work alongside. But I don’t want to be working so much that I don’t have time for my friends, family and most importantly me. I’d hate to look back on my life and say - ‘well that was fun, but I worked so much that I missed out on life”...
We of course need jobs and money to survive. But my ‘ah, ha’ moment (hopefully the first of many) today came when I slowly realised that I really don’t need, or to be honest, want to be working so much that I’m stretched so thin I forget to wash my hair (I actually had to write it on my to list last week!) or that I can’t do a job to my absolute best. I really want to be able to find a way to work smarter, not harder, learn the art of saying no and actually have the time to see my friends and family but continue working on what I have worked so hard to build.
Saying no really is so hard, especially when you say yes for a number of reasons; to one get the job and income, to make that new connection or the paralysing fear of if you do say no that you won’t get the same opportunity again. I oddly know that none of this is true, but don’t practice it as much as I should. I have said no to a lot of things for various reasons over the years, but there is always something else and someone waiting just around the corner to work along side you. Plus, every time I have said no to something, I instantly know that it was the right choice and I tend not panic about it as much as I would have if I had said yes. Mel, introduced me to Marie Forleo a while ago and this video of hers has been open in a tap on my computer for so long. I finally got around to watching it today and I couldn’t agree with it more. She elegantly sums up everything I have been rambling on about perfectly. It really is had to say no, but it’s also awful to put yourself into a position where you have said yes and then don’t actually like what you’re doing. It’s not always possible to say no, and a lot of the time we have to do things we don’t want to do, but it’s certainly something to think about.
So, along with all of the other things that I have had to learn and adapt to this year - I really want to actively look at everything I work on. This has been a year of intense and heartbreaking changes, and one that I didn’t have any choice or control over the outcome. So if now isn’t the time to look at the rest of my life and really do the things that makes me happy, I don’t know when else that chance will brutally come around. My goal (as of this afternoon) is to get back to working on the jobs that I really love, the ones that fill me with inspiration and I’m proud to talk about. But also, I want to take Made From Scratch back to it’s roots - I started this website to encourage others to create a beautiful life for them selfs and I want it to get back to that. Plus bake, I’m starting to really miss baking, only bakers will understand that it’s almost impossible to bake when you’re sad. I have absolutely no idea what the future holds for me, and it does scare me, it scares me every day. I have no idea if I’m going to ‘make it’ but, one thing is absolutely certain. I really don’t want to regret a single moment of my life from now on. x