It was a year ago this week that life as I knew it started to fall apart - in the following weeks I desperately tried to keep my marriage together, but he, well, he had already moved on. A year ago was the start of the most painful year of my life - it took him 8 weeks to destroy our marriage, 11 year relationship together, life and sell our home. I haven’t seen or heard from him since, but yet, since the start of the year - and certainly in the last few weeks, I’m now completely happy to move on from everything. And I truly mean it. My turning point started on my trip alone to Munich and Paris last year, but before that there wasn’t a single thing I liked about last year and I really have no interest in looking back any more - instead I want to move forward, and live my life again.
The truly unbelievable part is that this happened a year ago - how is it at all possible that a year has already passed - it feels like it’s been less than a second, but forever at the same time. I feel like I have aged 100 years, yet my girlfriends tell me I have never looked younger or healthier - it’s incredible how much better your life becomes when you’re no longer carrying the cruel weights of stress with you each day. Watching my life get pulled apart in front of me and then having to rebuild it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do - there isn’t apart of your life that a divorce doesn’t destroy. Yet the wonderful and truly surprising part is how much stronger you are than you think. I never thought I’d get out of the pain that I was drowning in last year, the pain, confusion and hurt just seemed to go on forever and I truly thought I’d never know happiness or love again. But little by little each day, you become stronger, wiser, kinder to your self your and from that you quickly work out what does and doesn’t make you happy any more. My friends and family surrounded and protected me like graceful armoured guards, which I’ll truly never be able to thank them enough for. And from that impossibly generous act of them not walking away during the ugly moments, you understand completely who matters in your life and you maintain and nourish those stronger relationships with the friends and family that you still need, and you turn to new friends to help show you a beautiful new life.
If anyone had told me a year ago that in a week I would be flying to Paris to live there for 3 months, I of course wouldn’t have ever believed them. I probably would have kindly told them that they must be going crazy. I still to this day can’t believe that Paris is a reality, that after all of the heartbreak, disappointment and loss during last year I have been able to turn it around into something good, positive and exiting. A very very kind reader got in touch with me last year and told me that in a year I will feel more empowered, confident and happier than I ever have in my life. I didn’t believe her at all at the time, but now I do. And to be honest, I have never felt happier, lighter or more excited about my life - I feel like a different, better person and its a wonderful feeling that I truly never thought I’d feel again. I think the most amazing thing is that somewhere during the pain of last year, I actively decided I didn’t want him to control my life any more - he didn’t get to decided if I was happy or not. That was now my choice, and I’m just so proud of how far I have come in a year and am still in awe that through a lot of hard work I was able to create a new and happy life for myself. Everything that happened last year is now just a story, a painful and unwanted story that is now apart of my life, but it’s just a story. I have no feelings, attachments or longing for our life together - it’s completely finished - and in a way in feels like everything happened to someone else. It now feels that removed from my life. Of course there are still moments, but those moments thankful don’t last long or upset me anymore. It’s now just a story. And in a week I will be creating a new story, one just for me, in a city that I love and for the first time in a very long time my dreams are about to come true. It’s truly unbelievable how much your life can change in a year and I can’t wait to share my Fresh Start with you. x