The past couple of days have been really weird, and really unsettled. And I don’t like it at all. The odd thing is that I know exactly what’s happening. I’m nervous, overwhelmed, and best of all, starting to talk myself out of things that I know are ok. Like almost everyone, your day/week revolves around a routine - even if the day’s are never the same, there tends to always be a sense of routine. My routine has completely collapsed this week and it just doesn’t sit well with me - instead of starting the week out like this and with a clear goal, it’s turned into one where I’m all over the place and I feel like no matter how much I’m getting done, it’s just not enough. Even though I’m getting through a lot of work, it feels that with every task I cross of on my to do list is 10 more things to do appear in it’s place, I can’t focus on anything for long which always makes me a touch nervous for some reason.
And then there are the stories that you tell yourself - if you have read Brene Brown’s Rising Strong you will understand what I mean. You know these stories aren’t real, but you of course convince yourself that they are - and it’s really hard to let go of them, or change the story. Mine this week are, your to do list growing, so clearly you’re not working hard enough. You’re not prepared for Paris. You’re not going to get everything finished before you go to Australia next week for Easter to see your family before you fly to the other side of the world. And then the worst of them all - you’re not strong enough, you don’t deserve this and this is a terrible idea. These cruel thoughts and stories go around and around and around. It’s just exhausting. And of course then the worry and enormous self doubt settles in. And the incredibly silly part is that I know that none of the stories I’m telling myself are at all true. I know that I have put in the hard work over the past few months to get everything in my life and business sorted and once I land in Paris everything will be ok. The only way I can explain this feeling, is that it’s like the lead up to Christmas - you know you’ve got everything ready, but you just feel like there isn’t enough time because you’re so excited.
After a mini melt down last night my parents kindly put it down to me just being incredibly nervous. Nervous about doing something for myself for the first time in my adult life, and as crazy as it sounds, I’m scared to be actually creating something that I have always wanted to do and it’s something that’s just for me. It feels incredibly selfish to follow your own dreams like this, but I also know how amazing this opportunity is, and how much I’d deeply regret it if I didn’t follow my dream and long time goal of spending time in Paris. It’s a really odd to know that something good can happen in your life after years of sadness and constant disappointment - and that you’re able to create a life just for yourself, it’s as though you don’t feel like you deserve to be happy. I found this quote on Pinterest a few days ago and it truly summed up everything that’s been rolling around in my head over the past week or so - it’s just weird to watch your live fall into place when for so long is was just a huge mess.
This post is far from perfect, it’s a total mind dump to be honest. But that’s ok - not everything in life is perfect. And something I have learnt over the past few months, being open, honest and vulnerable when times are a little off and you’re scared and overwhelmed, is far more important than proving that everything is perfect. And thankfully I know myself enough that on these ‘off days’ I force myself to a step back, re organise my to do list, prioritise important tasks, do something for myself and then curl up in bed read a good book and look for new places to visit while in Paris. The off days will always be apart of life, but thankfully they don’t last forever. x